Just gonna put some songs up when I find them that make me think of the awesomeness I'm about to leave behind...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
#17: T.G.F.J.B. - Thank God For Joe Bauserman
Since Nebraska had been admitted to the Big10, one football game among all other stood out on the schedule and became THE game of the 2011 football season before it even began. 10-8-11, THE Ohio State was coming to Lincoln.
Tickets for this game were far from cheap, but with Nebraska losing to Wisconsin the week before, Luke Vidal and I were able to secure a pair for a reasonable fee. With the day off of work, why not make it to the stadium to see the first Big10 home game for my beloved Huskers?
Chris Rhodes and his friends joined Luke and I for College Gameday and breakfast burritos at 9am, and naturally, we started drinking. Of note, those were, by far, the best breakfast burritos I have ever had the pleasure of assisting in making in my entire life. Solid job everyone...
With a 7:00PM kickoff on the horizon we were a little ahead of our schedule of intoxication with not a single one of us able to drive downtown at noon. Naturally we called a cab, and naturally, Lincoln only has one cab company. TWO HOURS after calling for the cab our chariot had arrived. After a $25.00 ride to "The Rez" we were ready to really kick it into high gear.
What happened next is a little fuzzy. I do recall needing to use a restroom, bad. The line for the porta-potty was at least 30 minutes, and the breakfast burritos weren't going to wait. We started walking and I found kids selling parking spots. I offered $5 to use their restroom to which their father politely declined and offered the facilities at no charge. I gave him a few of our beers and we returned to the Rez.
At this point we conducted the UV Blue challenge. My hypothosis: That UV Blue is like Cat-Nip for women, they can not, and will not, turn it down. My thought turned out to be correct, as every single girl I offered a pull out of the bottle to stopped and took a drink. They didn't know me, didn't know what was in the bottle, or know how creepy Vidal was watching them behind me.
Before we knew it, it was time to stumble to the game. If you have never tailgated at The Rez you should know that when you start walking towards the stadium you are quickly engulfed in a river of red people, and there is no stopping or getting out of this line until you get to the stadium. Just my luck as we step foot into the crowd, all that booze I took in wanted to come right out. Now, with no stopping, and no losing my friend, the proper thing to do here is what we later coined "Puke Walking." Simply put, I just turned my head to the side and threw up while walking. Disgusting, right? Well, nobody said a word. That's winning.
We get to the game, cheer through what looked to be an embarrassing loss, in fact, for the first time in my life, I thought about leaving early. At the last second I talked myself out of it and came back into the game to see Mr. David ripping the ball out of Mr. Miller's hands. The rest is history, literally. The biggest comeback in Nebraska football history. Needless to say, that place was crazy, and I will never forget the energy and emotions we all had in the stands that night.
The group of us made it downtown for a good five minutes before we realized we were in no shape to get into any bars, especially waiting 30 minutes to get in. We naturally used our best judgement and paid a stranger to bring us home. Luke and I proceeded to drink more beer and order $50 worth of Ramos Pizza at 3am... and yes, we ate it.
Thanks Nebraska, and thanks especially to you, Mr. Joe Bauserman.
Tickets for this game were far from cheap, but with Nebraska losing to Wisconsin the week before, Luke Vidal and I were able to secure a pair for a reasonable fee. With the day off of work, why not make it to the stadium to see the first Big10 home game for my beloved Huskers?
Chris Rhodes and his friends joined Luke and I for College Gameday and breakfast burritos at 9am, and naturally, we started drinking. Of note, those were, by far, the best breakfast burritos I have ever had the pleasure of assisting in making in my entire life. Solid job everyone...
With a 7:00PM kickoff on the horizon we were a little ahead of our schedule of intoxication with not a single one of us able to drive downtown at noon. Naturally we called a cab, and naturally, Lincoln only has one cab company. TWO HOURS after calling for the cab our chariot had arrived. After a $25.00 ride to "The Rez" we were ready to really kick it into high gear.
What happened next is a little fuzzy. I do recall needing to use a restroom, bad. The line for the porta-potty was at least 30 minutes, and the breakfast burritos weren't going to wait. We started walking and I found kids selling parking spots. I offered $5 to use their restroom to which their father politely declined and offered the facilities at no charge. I gave him a few of our beers and we returned to the Rez.
At this point we conducted the UV Blue challenge. My hypothosis: That UV Blue is like Cat-Nip for women, they can not, and will not, turn it down. My thought turned out to be correct, as every single girl I offered a pull out of the bottle to stopped and took a drink. They didn't know me, didn't know what was in the bottle, or know how creepy Vidal was watching them behind me.
Before we knew it, it was time to stumble to the game. If you have never tailgated at The Rez you should know that when you start walking towards the stadium you are quickly engulfed in a river of red people, and there is no stopping or getting out of this line until you get to the stadium. Just my luck as we step foot into the crowd, all that booze I took in wanted to come right out. Now, with no stopping, and no losing my friend, the proper thing to do here is what we later coined "Puke Walking." Simply put, I just turned my head to the side and threw up while walking. Disgusting, right? Well, nobody said a word. That's winning.
We get to the game, cheer through what looked to be an embarrassing loss, in fact, for the first time in my life, I thought about leaving early. At the last second I talked myself out of it and came back into the game to see Mr. David ripping the ball out of Mr. Miller's hands. The rest is history, literally. The biggest comeback in Nebraska football history. Needless to say, that place was crazy, and I will never forget the energy and emotions we all had in the stands that night.
The group of us made it downtown for a good five minutes before we realized we were in no shape to get into any bars, especially waiting 30 minutes to get in. We naturally used our best judgement and paid a stranger to bring us home. Luke and I proceeded to drink more beer and order $50 worth of Ramos Pizza at 3am... and yes, we ate it.
Thanks Nebraska, and thanks especially to you, Mr. Joe Bauserman.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
#18: If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home!
I wan't to start this off by saying one thing. "First Annual" is a real saying. I doubt the few people who made a big deal out of that when it happened actually read this, but we used that saying, and I have no regrets about it.
It was, in fact, the FIRST ANNUAL Theta Xi Egg Dash. I had, with the help of my boys, organized a pretty awesome philanthropy to raise money to fight M.S. I was, naturally, proud of all of us. I had organized the collection of a solid number of prizes for the event, one of which was a limo ride for the finder of that particular plastic egg and 13 of their friends.
So much to my joy, my friend Kim Phan found that lovely egg. Kim assured us that she would take her boys with her in her limo ride, and a week later we were loading that bad boy up with more bottles of Carlo Rossi than you could shake a stick at. It was, in fact, GO TIME.
I'm not going to hold any punches here. We tore that bad boy up. We tore it up so much that we had to buy more time just to keep living the dream. The problem was, Carlo Rossi was still with us, and as I have come to learn he is a bad, bad man. I'm 90% sure that Carlo Rossi and Sailor Jerry fund Al-Qaeda.
Anyway, the limo dropped us off, and for some reason I found it necessary to call my whore friend Kate Webster to get tips on how to be such a HUGE whore. I go to the back lot of Theta Xi where I proceed to call Kate. In the middle of our conversation I lose my footing, go to grab the wall of Theta Xi, but instead find a glass window pane. My arm goes right through. I pull it out and much to my dismay I see the tendon in my wrist. Shit.
Not knowing what to do, and bleeding profusely, I start walking in circles. I see someone coming and I go up and ask them what I should do. Lo and behold if it isn't Sam Keller himself walking through the alley at that moment. Yes, Sam Keller:
While Sam is telling me it's time to go to a hospital, Adam Bahr finds me. Instead of telling Adam about the massive gash in my wrist and flowing blood, I introduce him to Sam Keller. GO HUSKERS!
Adam gets me inside where Theta Xi's resident M.D. Aaron Peth sees the wound and lets out a loud "WHOA". Next thing I know we are hauling ass in Kyle Courter's car to the E.R.
The real fun starts now. I have this thing about needles. I don't like them. And when I got in there I knew right where that needle was going. INSIDE MY CUT THAT WAS ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY TENDON. I'll admit it, I caused a scene. To my credit though, a mother and her small child came into the E.R. and I told the doctor to let me bleed while he went and took care of the child. I may have had reasons of doing that, but at least I looked good at the time.
It finally came time to shit or get off the pot. I had Ben Gilmore, Kyle Courter, and Aaron Peth holding me down, yet I still fought that needle in my wrist. Finally an old man came in with a badge and told me to be quiet. I told Peth that "That old security guard better shut his mouth!". Well, turns out that old security guard was a cop who kindly informed me that if I didn't shut the hell up I would be going to jail as soon as the stitches were in.
I may have instantly became the calmest patient in the history of the emergency room at that very moment.
Turns out it wasn't so bad. I have a sweet scar now that looks like I tried to off myself, and we get this, my 18th "best" memory of my college career.
It was, in fact, the FIRST ANNUAL Theta Xi Egg Dash. I had, with the help of my boys, organized a pretty awesome philanthropy to raise money to fight M.S. I was, naturally, proud of all of us. I had organized the collection of a solid number of prizes for the event, one of which was a limo ride for the finder of that particular plastic egg and 13 of their friends.
So much to my joy, my friend Kim Phan found that lovely egg. Kim assured us that she would take her boys with her in her limo ride, and a week later we were loading that bad boy up with more bottles of Carlo Rossi than you could shake a stick at. It was, in fact, GO TIME.
I'm not going to hold any punches here. We tore that bad boy up. We tore it up so much that we had to buy more time just to keep living the dream. The problem was, Carlo Rossi was still with us, and as I have come to learn he is a bad, bad man. I'm 90% sure that Carlo Rossi and Sailor Jerry fund Al-Qaeda.
Anyway, the limo dropped us off, and for some reason I found it necessary to call my whore friend Kate Webster to get tips on how to be such a HUGE whore. I go to the back lot of Theta Xi where I proceed to call Kate. In the middle of our conversation I lose my footing, go to grab the wall of Theta Xi, but instead find a glass window pane. My arm goes right through. I pull it out and much to my dismay I see the tendon in my wrist. Shit.
Not knowing what to do, and bleeding profusely, I start walking in circles. I see someone coming and I go up and ask them what I should do. Lo and behold if it isn't Sam Keller himself walking through the alley at that moment. Yes, Sam Keller:
While Sam is telling me it's time to go to a hospital, Adam Bahr finds me. Instead of telling Adam about the massive gash in my wrist and flowing blood, I introduce him to Sam Keller. GO HUSKERS!
Adam gets me inside where Theta Xi's resident M.D. Aaron Peth sees the wound and lets out a loud "WHOA". Next thing I know we are hauling ass in Kyle Courter's car to the E.R.
The real fun starts now. I have this thing about needles. I don't like them. And when I got in there I knew right where that needle was going. INSIDE MY CUT THAT WAS ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY TENDON. I'll admit it, I caused a scene. To my credit though, a mother and her small child came into the E.R. and I told the doctor to let me bleed while he went and took care of the child. I may have had reasons of doing that, but at least I looked good at the time.
It finally came time to shit or get off the pot. I had Ben Gilmore, Kyle Courter, and Aaron Peth holding me down, yet I still fought that needle in my wrist. Finally an old man came in with a badge and told me to be quiet. I told Peth that "That old security guard better shut his mouth!". Well, turns out that old security guard was a cop who kindly informed me that if I didn't shut the hell up I would be going to jail as soon as the stitches were in.
I may have instantly became the calmest patient in the history of the emergency room at that very moment.
Turns out it wasn't so bad. I have a sweet scar now that looks like I tried to off myself, and we get this, my 18th "best" memory of my college career.
#19: THIS SHIT IS BANANAS- B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This isn't the longest entry I will post, nor is it the funniest (if you weren't there), but it IS a prank that stands out as one of my favorites.
For those that know the layout of the UNL campus, especially when it comes to Greek houses, my bedroom at Theta Xi my sophomore year was about 15 feet from Beta's basketball court. Now, I was O.K. with the occasional 3:30AM drunken basketball games they would have, because I was usually involved in my own, uh, extracurricular activities at the time. And as my Theta Xi neighbors could tell you, I could probably be a little louder than that damn basketball off the backboard could ever be. (Looking at you Mike Palmer and Josh Howell)
What I wasn't cool with was the way these "manly men" hazed their freshman by locking them outside on the basketball court, at 6:00am, on a Tuesday, to sing songs... in order to be let back inside. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing.
It didn't take me long to realize that this wasn't just a one week deal. They would usually do this for three weeks running. So finally I had the idea that it was time to fight fire with fire. I woke myself and three other guys up at 5:30 in the morning the next Tuesday. We casually made our way upstais to the third floor, took our VERY large speakers and placed them in the windows facing Beta, and we waited.
We waited some more... and more... and more. They weren't doing it this morning.
I'm not one to just let a plan go to waste. At five after six in the morning I gave one of our freshman the go ahead to start the music. What came out of those speakers, at maximum volume, was what I considered to be the worst song ever made until Ke$ha showed up:
It took about 37 seconds before the first window flew open at Beta with screams directed our way. I'm in the process of laughing so hard the thought of urinating myself becomes a serious concern. Soon, 10-15 members of Beta were outside throwing those same basketballs I challenged to noise contests up at the windows trying to knock the speakers out. No luck, bitch.
We let the song play through twice, and looking back on it, I don't feel bad about doing the prank, but I honestly feel a little bad about the song selection. I hope they all made it out ok.
Of note: I'm stupid busy with school, I'm obviously trying to get these done before graduation, so let's hope for the best. I did manage to get two stories from you guys! Don't be afraid to send them through Facebook and I'll be sure to share them, anonymously of course if requested.
Stay classy.
For those that know the layout of the UNL campus, especially when it comes to Greek houses, my bedroom at Theta Xi my sophomore year was about 15 feet from Beta's basketball court. Now, I was O.K. with the occasional 3:30AM drunken basketball games they would have, because I was usually involved in my own, uh, extracurricular activities at the time. And as my Theta Xi neighbors could tell you, I could probably be a little louder than that damn basketball off the backboard could ever be. (Looking at you Mike Palmer and Josh Howell)
What I wasn't cool with was the way these "manly men" hazed their freshman by locking them outside on the basketball court, at 6:00am, on a Tuesday, to sing songs... in order to be let back inside. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing.
It didn't take me long to realize that this wasn't just a one week deal. They would usually do this for three weeks running. So finally I had the idea that it was time to fight fire with fire. I woke myself and three other guys up at 5:30 in the morning the next Tuesday. We casually made our way upstais to the third floor, took our VERY large speakers and placed them in the windows facing Beta, and we waited.
We waited some more... and more... and more. They weren't doing it this morning.
I'm not one to just let a plan go to waste. At five after six in the morning I gave one of our freshman the go ahead to start the music. What came out of those speakers, at maximum volume, was what I considered to be the worst song ever made until Ke$ha showed up:
It took about 37 seconds before the first window flew open at Beta with screams directed our way. I'm in the process of laughing so hard the thought of urinating myself becomes a serious concern. Soon, 10-15 members of Beta were outside throwing those same basketballs I challenged to noise contests up at the windows trying to knock the speakers out. No luck, bitch.
We let the song play through twice, and looking back on it, I don't feel bad about doing the prank, but I honestly feel a little bad about the song selection. I hope they all made it out ok.
Of note: I'm stupid busy with school, I'm obviously trying to get these done before graduation, so let's hope for the best. I did manage to get two stories from you guys! Don't be afraid to send them through Facebook and I'll be sure to share them, anonymously of course if requested.
Stay classy.
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